12 Funny Golf Quotes (Lingo For Laughs On The Course)

While golf is a game of precision and focus, it’s also ripe with moments of hilarity and light-heartedness. 

Whether you’re trying to break 80 or just hoping to hit the ball straight, a good laugh can make any round more enjoyable.

So, here’s a collection of 25 funny golf quotes to keep in your back pocket, guaranteed to bring a smile even on the toughest days on the links.

My Favorite Golf Quotes of All Time

1. “The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.” – Mickey Mantle

2. “The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.” – Chi Chi Rodriguez

3. “Golf is a game in which you yell ‘fore,’ shoot six, and write down five.” – Paul Harvey

4. “If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” – Jack Lemmon

5. “Drive for show, putt for dough, cry in the car.” – Unknown

6. “This is golf, not a rock concert!” – Shooter McGavin

Beef’s Takeaways: Gilmore! 

OK, I couldn’t make this list and not include a line from the legendary film Happy Gilmore! 

7. “My golf score seems to improve considerably when I have the scorecard.” – Unknown

8. “I’ve spent most of my life golfing. The rest I’ve just wasted.” – Unknown

9. “I’m a good loser. I’m not a good quitter.” – Greg Normal

10. “Golf is the hardest game in the world. There’s no way you can ever get it. Just when you think you do, the game jumps up and puts you in your place.” – Jason Day

“Golf is a game in which you claim the privileges of age and retain the playthings of childhood.” – Samuel Johnson

11. “Golf, like measles, should be caught young.” – P.G. Wodehouse

12. “The harder you practice, the luckier you get.” – Five-time Open Champion Peter Thomson

13. “A golfer’s diet: live on greens as much as possible.” – Unknown

14. “I don’t fear death, but I sure don’t like those three-footers for par.” – Chi Chi Rodriguez

15. “Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.” – Jimmy Demaret

16. “Golf and taxes are very similar; you drive hard to get to the green, and then you end up in the hole.” – Unknown

17. “The most important shot in golf is the next one.” – Ben Hogan

“Golf is a game in which you yell ‘fore,’ shoot six, and write down five.” – Paul Harvey

18. “I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.” – Gerald Ford

19. “You know you’re a bad golfer when your ball retriever has more work than your putter.” – Unknown

20. “I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s golf game: it’s called an eraser.” – Arnold Palmer

21. “The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight.” – Ben Hogan

22. “The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.” – Billy Graham

23. “Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.” – P.J. O’Rourke

24. “Golf’s three ugliest words: still your shot.” – Dave Marr

25. “Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do.” — Bruce Crampton

The Etiquette of Golf: More Than Just Manners

Golf is not only a game of skill but also of tradition and etiquette. Understanding and adhering to these unwritten rules is what sets the tone for a respectful and enjoyable game for everyone involved.

Dress Appropriately:

If you’ve visited my shop (and you should), you’ll see I’m a pretty laid-back guy, and my brand highlights a new-age style of golf.

I’m all for pushing boundaries (within reason) as long as you can keep it classy. That said, I will always check the dress codes of most courses before arriving, as some places are pretty strict.

It’s their greens, so we have to respect that.

Keep Up the Pace:

Slow play is a cardinal sin in golf. Be ready when it’s your turn, and always keep up with the group ahead.

If your new to the game, please, please avoid playing at peak times. I would even recommend playing a few holes late at night so that you can get a feel for it without the pressure to move on.

Silence is Golden:

When someone is taking their shot, stop moving and remain quiet. The golf course is not the place for loud conversations or phone calls. Save these quotes for in-between shots!

Respect the Course:

Repair divots, rake sand traps, and don’t leave trash behind. Leave the course better than you found it.

Be a Good Sport:

Win with grace, lose with dignity. Golf is a game that teaches humility, patience, and sportsmanship. If the group you’re playing with doesn’t appreciate your witty quips, just let them go for this round.

People Also Ask (FAQs)

Is it appropriate to tell jokes on a golf course?

Absolutely! A well-timed joke can ease the tension and make the round more enjoyable for everyone. Just make sure it’s not while someone is taking their shot.

I would learn some quick golf lingo to rib your friends: 

A nasty little 5-foot putt: Diego Maradona 

2 shots in a bunker: A Hitler

How can I improve my golf etiquette?

To improve golf etiquette, I recommend asking your coach for tips and potentially going out in a group clinic situation. The biggest fault I see myself is players walking all over the putting greens. Overall, don’t stress too much. We’ve all been new at some point, and golfers are patient as long as it’s evident you’re putting in the effort.


This collection of quotes and etiquette tips reflects the spirit of Aussie Beef Golf: a love for the game, a sense of humor, and a commitment to tradition and respect. 

Whether you’re on the course or browsing my golf-themed merchandise, remember to enjoy every moment and never take yourself too seriously.

Golf is not just about the perfect shot; it’s about enjoying the journey and the company, one laugh at a time.

Ollie Neave

Professional Golf Player and Coach

Ollie Neave

AKA Aussie Beef Golf, One of Australia’s Busiest Golf Coaches.

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